By: Quit Stalin
Last week, Wofford’s official Communist Club had their first meeting on campus. The only actual left-wing organization on campus, Wofford Commies has been meeting in secret for months in the abandoned gym of Calvary Baptist Church. Members were careful to avoid meeting in daylight hours as to not attract too much attention from conservative students.
Admittedly, many of the students that now make up the Wofford Commies club did not come to college as communists. The highly effective liberal arts education brainwashed them and shifted their views, causing them to viciously rip the McCain/Palin stickers from their SUVs and trade them for shiny Priuses with “Feeling the Bern” stickers.
Wofford Commies experienced a tough break last year when their faculty mentor, Kris Neely, left the college to teach art and free love at Spartanburg Methodist. Known for his frequent, inflammatory political Facebook posts, Neely continues to tout the Wofford Commies Manifesto from afar.
As of now, Wofford Commies does not have a clearly defined leader, hoping to keep up the guise of brotherhood and equal distribution of power for as long as possible.
For their first official meeting, Wofford Commies extended an invitation via the Daily Announcements for all interested to don shirts reading “There ain’t no party like the Communist Party.” They made their way to Burwell to distribute free food to all local elementary schools. The turnout was so numerous that the club had no choice but to move their meeting to Leonard Auditorium, where they promptly began removing all portraits of old, rich white men from the vicinity.
The club’s first order of business was to hear complaints from the Environmental Studies staff, who are tired of living alongside the contaminated water and black mold of the Black Science Annex. Dr. Savage was the first to speak, stating that a redistribution of office wealth was absolutely necessary. Enthused by her impassioned speech, Wofford Commies forcibly removed faculty from their offices in Main and turned them over to Savage and her convoy.
Members of Wofford Commies then passed a unanimous vote to organize a strike with Burwell workers. Mrs. Cathy expressed interest in organic ingredients for her omelet bar, and the dishwashers made it clear that they refuse to continue working until students actually learn what it means to stack plates on trays.
Wofford Commies then concluded their first meeting by stealing toilet paper from the Phase Five bathroom and raiding the Fraternity houses to go through wallets. Members found an especially preposterous amount of money in the Kappa Alpha Order house, which gave them the perfect opportunity to redistribute the wealth to all members of the student body.
Since meeting, the Wofford Commies have successfully petitioned Delaney’s Irish Pub to change it’s Wednesday night special from $2 pints to vodka shots. Suggestions for further actions are welcome, if contributors are willing to wait in the long lines.
DISCLAIMER: Article part of Old Black & Blue