Wofford to sponsor its own Purge

By: Catnip Evergreen

Amidst the grumblings and outcries of the upcoming senior class, President Hamsat has announced the unanimous decision made by the Board of Trustees to resolve the upperclassmen housing crisis: Wofford College will hold its first annual Purge on Saturday, April 15. The Purge will begin at 6 p.m. Saturday evening and will last for 12 full hours, ending at 6 a.m. the following Sunday morning.

“We really planned strategically for this event – the date holds utmost importance as it falls on Easter. Just as the Lord, Our Savior shed his blood for us, our students will shed blood and sacrifice for their housing,” says Dean Lemur. “Of course, we wouldn’t want to impose a specific belief set onto our students. We wouldn’t want to start another round of petitions, you see.”

Dr. Hamsat explains the Purge was made necessary due to the massive quantity of students in the class of 2018. There is not enough space to house all of the rising seniors in the Village and people complained that the randomized housing lottery was not fair. So, the Purge was proposed as an equitable method for receiving housing.

“Like all colleges, Wofford accepts more students than it can actually hold due to people electing to attend other colleges or for the inevitable transfers,” says Po Planner, head of Admissions. “Never in our wildest dreams did we expect to attract AND retain so many qualified students. It’s never happened before. I doubt we’ll see the likes of it again unless we can actually, somehow pass our proposal to accept students without test scores.”

Modeled after the quality film of the same name, Wofford’s Purge will follow some simple rules: students will have 12 hours to stake their claim in whichever housing facility or assignment of their choosing. They may use any and all actions to claim an assignment, and when the clock strikes six a.m. the following morning, whoever remains in that site will officially be granted their housing assignment. Students may team up in groups no larger than four, or they may choose to act individually.

“We truly think this method is ingenious,” says Hamsat. “Students are continually let down with administrative decisions and feel as if they are not allowed the opportunity to accurately express their desires. With this new system, housing will be a responsibility solely left up to the students. No administrative middle man, just some good, clean fun in the form of territorial and animalistic crime.”

Counselors at the Wellness Center are lauding the enactment of the Purge, claiming the event will serve to clear up their schedules.

“We’re understaffed and overworked, despite the desperate need for increased mental health support on campus,” says Beth Floorking, director of the Wellness Center. “We fully sanction this event as we believe it will give students an adequate and appropriate outlet for their stress and anxieties.”

Students are both permitted and encouraged to begin stocking up on any weapons, armor and defensive tools they deem necessary. The Purge is open to the entire student body, not just rising seniors, and is applicable for any residential building, save for Marsh Hall.

“Let’s be honest here: firstly, no one would actually fight over Marsh. Furthermore, we highly doubt the structure could withstand any sort of violent attack. It’s subject to crumble down at any moment,” says Dean Lemur. “Besides, we’ll be tearing it down this summer and rebuilding a new dormitory.”

May the odds be ever in your favor.

DISCLAIMER: Article part of Old Black & Blue Issue

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